Being a woman ain't easy. We strive for perfection since our early days of kindy all the way to school where we had to compete in studies cos all the other girls are just so smart, we fight for good scholarships and good places in universities (I dunno about you guys but in my time, girls had a quota compared to our male counterparts!).. not only that, we work hard to maintain our looks (especially if we weren't born in an already presentable package), we have to get the right figure for ourselves and for our existing or future man (how many of you seen female blogs that don't at least complain about their weights or body sizes once?), we worry about balancing our careers and domestic chores cos to be a good wife, we need to firstly cater our husbands' needs (and mom-in-laws).. and not only that, we get pregnant.

Yes. For the past few weeks I've been discovering other facets of being a female that never in my wildest dreams are possible and knowing that my brain and hormones don't necessarily read the same page, so when they conflict, it's me ending up getting, uh, sickly.

I admit my physical changes, and I'm not talking about any bulging tummy yet, aren't as bad as some other mommies-to-be. Some of my girlfriends have it bad - they suffer from severe morning sicknesses (yeah, I finally get to see what that's all about) that they had to be hospitalized for being dehydrated.

So far I've been lucky. Though I get nauseous at times and when that happens, believe me, no one has ever seen a face so puffy, eyes so red and heard breathing so heavy. I need to immediately stop whatever I'm doing (marking papers, shopping, reading, cooking -yes, I cook now) and sit or lie down before I collapse. Once we were at 1 Utama and having lunch before he meets up with a business associate. I felt so woozy I could throw up on those normally favourite beef bowls of mine. Even the miso soup that I so love appeared weird and tasted funny. Hubby didn't feel like leaving me alone to meet his colleague but I wasn't in any mood to join the meeting either so I rushed him off telling that I'm fine and would be ok on my own where in fact, only God knows how I so wanted to faint.

I slowly finished my meal -even in sickness, it's not good to waste- placed the hot water they gave me into my mineral water bottle and slid out. I walked the longest walk to look for a surau to lie down but the nausea was just too overwhelming I had to think happy thoughts just to keep everything in. As I got more difficult to breathe I knew I had to no time to look for the surau. I needed to sit. Fast. But looking around that Sunday afternoon, every possible sofa or wooden chairs are occupied.

Happy thoughts.. lalalaaa.. ohh, happy thoughts..

My breathing went heavier and my abdomen was so painful that it made me think "Ahh.. so this is what a period cramp feels like." I must've looked almost blue cos several people gave me second glances when I passed them. Then I spotted MBH Bookstore, not the best place to be when you're having a throbbing headache and an-almost bursting tummy, but there were seats there that I quickly splatted myself on the nearest seat I could find. Placing my warm water bottle on my abdomen, I tried to make myself feel better by thinking everything is ok. You know that thing they say about psychology-ing yourself? It actually worked. But it takes time and patience.

As I said, being a woman ain't easy. Guys are spoilt from the womb to the tomb cos we preggers can only eat what our babies tell us (instinctively of course), more so if they are boys cos male fetuses command more of every nutrients. I'm still learning this new experience and it gets hard at times with no hubby around, but I'm not complaining. Think happy thoughts. Even as I type this, I'm controlling my breathing and muching Jacob's high fibre crackers. You know, those crackers that I won't normally glance at even for a second, actually help to ease a bit of my nausea.

Ok.. think I'll go and lie down now for one of those 'attacks' are on its way. Later.